Again and again, coming to this place where I realize that I fall so unbelievably far from what my LORD deserves. How much pain I cause Him, knowing that I am forgiven in Christ, but than again realizing the pain I caused Him on Calvary.

How forgetful I am. How wicked I can so blatantly and subtly be. Oh I need His help daily. There is no moving apart from Him. I can’t live. There’s no way.

Who am I to say anything?

God, you are so good!

I desire comfort; I desire it so much. I want peace, I want time at the end of the day for myself, I want to not feel too hungry, I want enough sleep, I want my room to be clean, I want only the things on my to-do list to arise during the day.

But things inevitably come up. And the things that come up that are out of my control, sometimes I react so negatively (aka sinfully) because they’re uncomfortable. It’s traffic, it’s running late, it’s a parking ticket, or a family member unexpectedly asking for a favor.

But most of all, when I desire to be comfortable, I don’t want to fight sin. Fighting sin is the most uncomfortable thing ever, and the fight is all around and unending. I push it aside, guilt and all, and try to just go go go. But the Holy Spirit who resides within me, He’s also relentless. He reminded me today:

“… provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.” Romans 8:17

As a child of God, I will suffer. Why? Because I live in a world that is not of God. As a sojourner and exile, I await the future. There is no need to live for the now, and so it is uncomfortable. It is the very reason why so many in the world search for comfort and reason in a world that simply cannot stand up under the demand. Like salt water to a person dying of thirst. The whole world groans for the future, and for a hope that which we cannot see. (8:25)

I must wait for it in patience (8:26). And I must not only fight, but fight in victory because I know that the Spirit intercedes on my behalf (8:26).

Thank God that when I look for comfort in the world, I only find un-comfort. Thank God that He makes me aware that I’m unbelievably thirsty. It all draws me to Him, and finally brings a comfort and quenching that is lasting. Even after saving me, God continues to pull me through even when I kick and scream against Him.

My mind is always busy thinking about something, and there’s no way I can carry on. How am I supposed to get through this, God? I want to give it all to you, but when I’m so drained, how can I actually find strength and comfort in you? It seems so foreign…

But today, I was compelled to come back to one of my favorites, a verse I’ve mentioned several times here in this blog.

Col 3:1-4, “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”

And there it is. God’s Word speaks yet again, and pierces to the very core.

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. I HAVE been raised with Christ, and so I must seek the things above. What about all the things that I’m doing points me back to a kingdom-centered mentality? Am I living for the here and now? Am I just squeaking by? And where in the world are you Jesus? Oh yeah! You’re up there, where I should be seeking!

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. Not only must I seek, but I must set my mind there. I’ve dropped it in so many places down here. No wonder sometimes I feel so aimless. 

For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. I’m a new creation in Christ! So in some weird way, as the Spirit resides in me that connects me to Christ, the new creation that I am is with God. I live in the eternity now. 

When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” And so as I look to Christ, as I seek him and set my mind on the things above, I await his return, and my fullness, the genuine identity of who I am will be found there as well. 

I think that I can sermon prep on my own. I think I can love these youth students on my own. I think I can plan, and do yardwork, and keep everything nice and tidy in my every expanding to-do list. But I can’t. I must seek the things above and set my mind on the things of the heavenly kingdom. Because all the things here, they will cease. All the things I’m striving for, eventually they will pass away, and only what is found in Christ will remain. All else will be consumed by the great and consuming fire that is our God.

I can die today. Christ can return in the next moment. And what good is it if I’ve been striving without Him in mind?

Thanks for the perspective again, God. Your faithfulness is everlasting.

“I’ll pummel my body and make it my own. I’ll think of others over myself.”

“I’ll count it all joy, whatever the trial, no matter how hard the circumstance.”

“I WILL make myself holy, I WILL sanctify myself, I WILL be joyful, I WILL not worship any other.”

Running, running, running… pooped. Getting up, walking, my legs are tired, my lungs gasping, I fall down. I crawl, and the finish line seems an eternity away. Paul said it! It’s a marathon! Just gotta keep running, striving, fighting! GO GO GO!

Temptations come, I fall. I grow angry, selfish, lazy, lustful, unloving, prideful.

I can’t do this.

How long can you keep this up? Where has the joy gone? Was this what life in Christ was meant to look like? How come it was so much easier earlier on in my Christian life when everything was so new, fresh, and passionate?

Jesus says these words in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

The Pharisees wanted to burden the people with strivings, policies, traditions, and safeguards. Their yoke was heavy. But I find myself doing the same thing in my own life. I gotta do these things to make God happy. If not, God will be disappointed.

And the weird thing is, I know this isn’t true. I know the truth of the gospel. I know I’m found in Christ, and I understand that in some mysterious way, I am perfect in the eternity-now. I know that because God sees all of time in a glance, my understanding of temporal sanctification from the beginning of my life to the end is different than God who already has it completed. That THAT is why His love for me can never change. That hope is sure to be realized, and the hope in which we constantly live, that we will one day cease the striving (Rom 8). That we have a God of hope that makes us abound in hope (Rom 15:13).

I know these things in the mind, but I keep forgetting it in the heart. I was reading in Galatians 3 today and verse 10 said this:

“For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, ‘Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them.’”

and it continues,

“Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for ‘The righteous shall live by faith.’”

Many times I still live under the law. I place it on myself. Today, Paul’s cry in Galatians 2 rang so true to me, even though he speaks of the Jews, “We ourselves are Jews by birth and not Gentile sinners; yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works fo the law no one will be justified.” I am justified by faith, but I place myself under the law, the very thing that sin uses to bond.

I think that I need to run. Holiness, sanctification, being Christ-like, these becomes the end goal for me. And while they should be goals, the way I’m trying to achieve it is flipped upside down. By running on my own and striving on my own, I completely distort the gospel, and I fail. In fact, it just tires me out.

And so I hear the words of Jesus again, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Jesus beckons a certain type of people. Those who labor and are heavy laden. Those who are tired. Those down trodden. Those tired of striving after holiness on their own. Those tired from the sin that burdens! And what does he say to them? COME. COME! Come to me! He longs to give us rest. His yoke is easy, his burden is light, and I can find rest for my SOUL in him. Not my physical body, but my SOUL. That’s what needs the most rest. It’s easy to find rest for the body. We find a time every single day to restore our bodies, whether we sleep 3 hours or 8. But how often do we find our spiritual rest, our soul rest in Christ? Should this not be done regularly as well? Is this a call from Christ to come once? I don’t think so. Yes, it is an instantaneous command, but I think the coming is continuous. The call to rest in him is continuous. Cease striving yourself, but strive in me, because in me is rest. Jesus says in John 7:37, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink.” Again a continuous command. Come once to drink? No come again and again! I will grow thirsty over and over again.

What I do is I find my water elsewhere. I find it in TV shows to give me rest. In sports, in idle time, in cleaning (I dunno why this one, makes me feel in control), in Keziah (sorry Keziah!), in naps, anything and everything. But when you’re thirsty, will you drink salt water? I feel like sometimes that’s what it’s like, taking solace in the world. Taking rest in the world. It’s just not thirst quenching. In fact, it sometimes makes me feel more like I’m in a hole, more tired, more thirsty. Only coming to Jesus, the spiritual Rock (1 Cor 10:4) quenches my thirst. And I must come back to him over and over again to gain relief. To find true rest. To find out again and again that only in him is there joy and hope in my strivings.

This is the joy of the gospel that restores day by day, moment by moment. That I simply need come to him and lay everything at his feet, all the worries and anxieties, the insecurities and sins, and find the truth of the Word of God meet me everytime. That the promises written in Scripture are not simply words, but realities… truths that cannot be warped. Yes, Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. God is one of unchanging character.

Oh the joy! My sin is separated from me as far as the east is from the west! As deep as the ocean floor, it is taken away! My sin is no more! What must I strive for!

And with this truth, the striving that must continue becomes that much easier. That as I fight the truth that I am still in the flesh, it is now done not in bondage under the law, that I must DO something… but now it is done in joy, in gratefulness, in understanding of my shortcomings, but Jesus’ infinite meeting of that.

[I LOST THE REST OF MY POST. WILL CUT IT SHORT HERE.]

“And after all that has come upon us for our evil deeds and for our great guilt, seeing that you, our God, have punished us less than our iniquities deserved and have given us such a remnant as this, shall we break your commandments again and intermarry with the peoples who practice these abominations? Would you not be angry with us until you consumed us, so that there should be no remnant, nor any to escape? O LORD, the God of Israel, you are just, for we are left a remnant that has escaped, as it is today. Behold, we are before you in our guilt, for none can stand before you because of this.” -Ezra 9:13-15

“Since therefore it remains for some to enter [God's rest], and those who formerly received the good news failed to enter because of disobedience, again he appoints a certain day, ‘Today,’ saying through David so long afterward, in the words already quoted, ‘Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.’ For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken of another day later on. So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his.” Hebrews 4:6-10

Joshua did not lead the Israelites into the final rest of God, the Promised Land. The Promised Land awaits us still, and we are called to strive to enter into the Sabbath rest of God. At the end of this long, tiring life, I look forward to soaking in the rest of God, knowing that all that laboring was worth it.

I want to work hard today for God’s kingdom, His name, and His glory, fighting sin, fighting the enemy, and winning souls. I want to not live thinking that the next vacation is what I strive after. Completing a final is not where my mind is set. It’s not on the weekends, the next holiday, or the end of my education at Talbot. It’s not on obtaining a career. It’s for something greater. I’m to work hard at all these things, enjoying the goods, suffering through the bad, with my mind wholly locked on the Sabbath rest of God. Until then, I don’t live like this world is my home. (“Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken” Heb 12:28).

It’s going to be sweet rest. I’m glad we have a day devoted in the week to remember where we are to have our eyes fixed, and that God exampled it for us.

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!

He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.

When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,
’Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.

I can’t wait to see him, my Lord and my God, the one who died for me. 

It is when I dont sense this battle that i’m in a dangerous place

Today I got a late start on getting to some school work. If you know me well enough, you know that I’m a very meticulous planner. I got to the Brea area around 12pm so that I could work from 12 to 3, and then get to the staff meeting directly after. I planned it out carefully. I also ate lunch at home so I could save a bit more money by not eating out. I think that daily schedule and financial budgeting is what I plan for the most.

But God is so good to break me out of my plans from time to time. Submitting to the reality that I am not in control of anything in my life is sobering, and something I wish was around more often.

Today, as I got out of my car, a young man and woman approached me. Both were sweaty, holding suitcases, and wearing old clothing. First thought was, “Here we go again.” They asked me for some money for lunch and so they had a motel to sleep in that night across the street. And then Scripture which I had recently preached on came roaring into my mind. “Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col 4:5-6). And I began to think, what is wisdom? Surely it can’t be to just offer them money, wish them the best, and walk away. I briefly thought about the passage (which I didn’t have memorized, but I thought through the gist of it):

James 2: What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food,  and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

In hindsight now, I know that these two individuals weren’t my brothers or sisters. But the sentiment behind the way my heart reacted toward the entire situation was the same. I claim to have faith, and I claim to have the love of God. Why, oh why, is my first reaction of discomfort, annoyance, and dread?

When they asked for money, I came to a choice… I came to a point where I had a decision to either let my works reflect my faith, or to let my works oppose my faith. Checking the time, I thought, I’ll do what I always do. I’ll be wise in this moment as I try to with any stranger that is in need who asks for help.

“Sure thing! I’ll buy you guys lunch… how about Corner Bakery, or do you want Burger King?” Man… I’ll tell you the truth, I was hoping that they’d reject it and ask for money. Then I could, with a clear conscience, say I tried and walk away, knowing that I can’t give my money to someone who I don’t know what they’d do with it. Then my meticulous planning in saving this time as my sermon prep time and going forward with my money saving ideals would not be stopped. I could continue being in control of my life.

But the reaction was unexpected. The guy, Josh was his name, gratefully accepted, his face breaking into relief and saying, “thank you.” I glanced over at his girlfriend and saw her eyes filled with grateful tears. Dude… oh man.

Lord, break my callous heart. So this whole time I was thinking through Col 4:5-6… walk in wisdom, make the best use of your time, live with an urgent mindset, be gracious with your speech, be engaging. Just love them. As we were waiting in line, I asked them to try to keep the bill to about $5/ person. They said, “of course!” Then they proceeded to order from the dollar menu. I don’t know why that stirred my heart. I wanted to shout out, “no no no! Just order whatever you want! Get the most expensive thing on the menu!”

But I didn’t. Had to remain wise there. $8.61 was the final bill. I asked Josh how they got into this situation. He was a young guy, and he told me about his father who wouldn’t let him into the house unless he was making a living. But he was recently laid off from his construction job, and though he could live out home with his family, they wouldn’t let him into the house until he found a new job. The girl was laid off from CVS about 5 months ago (Josh said, “8 months”… where she turned and glared at him and said, “no! FIVE months”). There’s a lot of back story that I don’t want to get into. And at the end, when I realized I better leave and get to work, I wished them luck finding a place tonight, and that I was sorry that I couldn’t help them out with that. They said they’d be fine. I hope to see them again.

So much conflict! Conflict between knowing that I could afford more, but that it might not be the wisest thing. Where does that road end? Just give until I can’t give anymore? Conflict between feeling like maybe I should pay for a place for them to stay anyway, and knowing that God will provide for them, even if it means maybe they’ll need to spend a night outdoors. Conflict between still having the thought of, “WHAT IF everything they said, as intricate and detailed as it was, was still a lie?” and the thought of, “I can’t live life distrusting every single person I meet, no matter how many times I’ve been burned before.” Conflict between letting them be, and really thinking about how I could get them connected to a church in the area. There are so many in Brea! What is the church’s role in this day and age in terms of socially helping people around the area in need?

Why in the world is there such a disconnect in my life, where I’m prepping sermons to speak to Christians (who sometimes don’t even want to be there), and yet I’m so hesitant to open my mouth to strangers who are desperately in need?

There’s a Spurgeon quote out there,

If sinners will be damned, at least let them leap to hell over our bodies. And if they will perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees, imploring them to stay. If hell must be filled, at least let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go there unwarned and unprayed for.

I want to develop a heart that even just BEGINS this sentiment. If I’m not desperately preaching the Word of God (keeping God’s sovereignty and goodness at the forefront of such a thought, mind you), then I want to at least wield an urgency that takes the time to talk to someone like Josh and his girlfriend. I want to keep thinking about things we can do to improve some of these sad conditions.

This is not about their physical condition, though there is an opening to the gospel that uniquely exists in people who are in need of food and shelter. It paints a vivid picture of how much they are in need of help, and that they are not in control of their lives. It paints a picture, hopefully, of the depravity of the world, and the depravity in themselves. Hopefully, it leads to a desperate cry for help, anywhere, everywhere. And hopefully, the Christian will stand up to receive that call, overwhelmed by the love of God, to reach down, pick them up, buy them a meal, get them a hotel room, connect them with a church, and tell them about God. Kinda want to talk about the Good Samaritan, but this post is all over the place as it is.

At the end, after I shook Josh’s hand, I looked down and saw that some weird brown stuff came off and smudged onto mine. It’s funny how the love of God supersedes the feeling of dirtiness. It’s amazing that Jesus was able to come down to earth and interact with us, sin stained humans, even touching the leper in front of a crowd to heal him, though he didn’t have to. He could have simply spoken the words. How great and kind and loving God is. Lord unleash your love through me in this world, as insignificant as I am. May your grace be sufficient, your power manifested in my weaknesses.

It’s now 2pm, I’ve lost two hours, and my plans are shot. The detour actually allowed me to randomly connect with an old CCM friend I hadn’t seen in two years, and have a short conversation with the guy next to me at Starbucks who commented on my shirt that had a hidden cross on it.

The heart of man plans his way, 

but the LORD establishes his steps.